How to react towards...
IN THIS CHAPTER
Managing emotions, whether it's frustration, sadness, anger, worry, or fear
In Christian Voss’s book ‘Negotiating as if your life depended on it’, a fascinating study sheds light on how our brains respond to emotional stimuli. Participants were connected to brain wave monitoring equipment, allowing researchers to observe which areas of the brain were activated during moments of distress. When shown a sad photo, the part of the brain associated with sadness lit up. However, when participants were calmly told, 'You are sad,' by a soothing voice, the activity in that brain region decreased, resulting in a reduction of sadness.
When a child is overwhelmed by a strong emotion, the key is to remain calm and attentive. Providing comfort through a hug, gentle back rub, or affectionate gestures like kissing their head can offer solace. It's important to reassure them that it's okay to feel angry, sad, frustrated, or scared, and to express your unwavering support and understanding. However, always respect their boundaries; if they don't want to be touched, give them space while staying nearby.
Words like ‘I’m here for you‘ or ‘You’re safe‘ can help calm them down quickly.
If the child asks you to leave, give them some distance but remain accessible. If they persistently insist on you leaving, gradually start to step away. Often, children don't truly want you to leave; their pleas to go away are a call for comfort. In such cases, when they invite you back with words or gestures, it's an opportunity to offer them a comforting embrace, allowing them to release their emotions and find calmness. If they don't verbalize their needs as you exit, assure them that you're available if they need you and remain close by their vicinity.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
-
From the book “A Free Range Childhood” by Matthew Appleton, Matthew recounts his days as a host parent at Summerhill.
His premise to this story is that at times children who arrived at the school may resent adults because they see them as authority figures that have used that power over them in the past.
They take out their frustration on the adults/staff in a way that they wouldn’t have at home.
”An eleven-year-old Japanese boy spent his first term spitting at me, pushing or hitting me whenever he passed me. His eyes glittered with resentment, and he was furtive and distrustful around adults.
Depending on the situation, and my own mood, I would sometimes express annoyance, and sometimes playfully engage in a face pulling competition with him. The notion that adults have always to be consistent with children totally denies the emotional element of our interactions.
Children are quite able to follow the expansion and contraction of personal boundaries that go with mood changes, and as long as sudden and unwarranted outbursts are not the response, it is far healthier for all connected to be flexible, rather than live in a state of static falsehood.
For some weeks this boy continued to treat me in this manner. One day as I was walking along the corridor I saw him coming the other way and prepared myself for the usual response. However, as he approached, instead of his by-now standard grimace, he looked at me with a broad grin and clear, sparkling eyes.
‘I like you’, he announced as he threw his arms around my waist. These were the first words of English I heard him speak. It was a lovely moment and I glowed with happiness for the rest of the day.
I don’t know what brought about this change of heart, but I have seen it happen many times here; an unexpected shifting as old anger melts away, with spontaneous shows of affection and tenderness taking its place.
It is often just a question of patience, of waiting and trusting that in time the need to be unpleasant and abusive will fade as the child feels more fully accepted for who he or she really is…. a degree in psychology or ten years in teaching mean nothing if you cannot relate to a child as an equal”