Principle #1: Same rights
IN THIS CHAPTER
Everybody has the same rights.
We treat each other as equals - the way we would never judge, blame or punish an adult, we don’t do this to a child either. On the other hand, we don’t treat kids like raw egg shells either, simply like any other person.
What are these rights?
you decide what to do at any given time (you have the right to express yourself and your emotions in your own way) as long as you respect other people’s boundaries and property
right to set your personal boundaries: your body, your rules; your property, your rules
freedom of speech: The right to say No. If you have any concerns you have the right to tell another person
Setting boundaries
set boundaries towards others, including children
‘‘Except in rare times of great stress or danger, there is no reason why we cannot say "No" to children in just as kind and gentle a tone as we say "Yes." Both are words. Both convey ideas which even tiny children are smart enough to grasp. One says, "We don't do it that way," the other says, "That's the way we do it." Most of the time, that is what children want to find out. Except when overcome by fatigue, or curiosity, or excitement, or passion, they want to do right, do as we do, fit in, take part.’’ John Holt, Teach your own
reflect on your biases before setting a boundary because it might not have anything to do with you.
For example, if a child frequently leaves the table during meals, it might be tempting to see this behavior as disrespectful or disruptive. However, the child's actions could stem from their own needs or natural tendencies, rather than a direct challenge to your personal preferences.
respect other people’s boundaries , including children’s
let people set their boundaries towards others
Refrain from stepping in when two people are interacting in a way that you don’t agree with. Let each person set their boundaries for themselves whenever possible
Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash
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In a letter written by a mother about her daughter, whose name begins with “L”, tells of a time after removing her from the first grade at public school.
A neighbor child several years older than L comes to play after school sometimes. She's pleasant and cooperative but when she plays "school" with our children, she is "teacher" and changes into a nagging, demanding tyrant. It got so bad that L was refusing to play the game. I finally had to point out to this child that she was reflecting her teacher's behavior and that L had left school to avoid that kind of human contact. This same child could read when she entered school two years ago. She is now "having problems" in reading. One day this same child started lecturing L about school. Wasn't she coming back? And if she didn't, she wouldn't learn anything. L flashed back with, "That's why I left. I wasn't learning anything."
At first the mother defends her daughter to her daughter’s friend, but another time the daughter gets a crack at it and gets to stick up for herself!
Above examples from “Teach Your Own” by John Holt
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The notion of ownership of other persons is absent among the Yequana. The idea that this is 'my child' or 'your child' does not exist.
Deciding what another person should do, no matter what his age, is outside the Yequana vocabulary of behaviours, There is great interest in what everyone does but no impulse to persuade -let alone coerce - anyone.
A child's will is his motive force. There is no slavery - for how else can one describe imposing one's will on another and coercion by threat or punishment)
The Yequana do not feel that a child's inferior strength and dependence upon them imply that they should treat him or her with less respect than an adult.
No orders are given to a child that run counter to his own inclinations as to how to play, how much to eat, when to sleep and so on. But where his help is required, he is expected to comply instantly. Commands like 'Bring some water!'' Chop some wood!' 'Hand me that!' or 'Give the baby a banana!' are given with the same assumption of innate sociality, in the firm knowledge that a child wants to be of service and to join in the work of his people.
No one watches to see whether the child obeys - there is no doubt of his will to cooperate. As the social animal he is, he does as he is expected without hesitation and to the very best of his ability.
It works incredibly well.
Jean Liedloff, The Continuum Concept
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Oftentimes when a child throws a tantrum it may seem random and an overreaction from an adult’s perspective. In “Teach Your Own” by John Holt one just needs to try looking at it from the toddler or child’s point of view:
“ Even in the kindest and most loving families two-year- olds must be reminded a hundred times a day, perhaps by the words and acts of their parents, perhaps by events, by Nature herself, that they are small, weak, ignorant, clumsy, foolish, ignorant, untrustworthy, troublesome, destructive, dirty, smelly, even disgusting. They don 't like it! Neither would I. Neither would you.”
In a mother’s letter to the author, she describes how tantrums are mitigated when she sees her son’s time as valuable - like an equal rather than a subordinate:
“…he really likes to hang out in there alone for an hour and a half most days, driving trucks around mostly.
I've never seen a kid more into organizing things. He plays with dominoes and calls them either adobes, for building houses, or bales of hay, and has them stacked, lined up, or otherwise arranged in some perfect order; same with the trucks; he'll scream and yell, as per your theory of two-year-old behavior, if you snatch him up from a group of trucks and carry him off to lunch. But if you give him a couple of minutes to park them all in a straight line then he'll come willingly. Your theory (treat them like big people) works out over and over again; brush past him, leave him behind in the snow when you're hustling up to feed the goats and you get a black and blue screaming pass out tantrum. Treat them "Big" and things roll along. Only hang-up is the occasional times you have to take advantage of your superior size and pull a power play. The trick is to learn to avoid the situations that once in a while make that a necessity, like not getting in a rush, and not letting them get so tired they break down completely-like letting dinner be late.
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There are many ways to say no, mostly it has to do with tone. There can be an angry way, a gentle way that has meaning, and then there is the “no, no, no, no” almost chorus that is neither angry or meaningful that children hear throughout the day. An example given by a mother about her daughter:
I think here of Lisey (then 3) who was pouring herself a glass of milk yesterday. She had gotten it from the fridge, opened it, poured from a fat 2-qt. carton a very small juice-glass of milk, had drunk it, then had gotten a paper towel and was wiping up the milk spilt on the table. There was more milk spilt than the towel could absorb so as she wiped now, the milk was being pushed off the table onto the door.
I walked in at this point and started with the running "No, No" commentary in a whiny voice: "Ooooh no, Lisey, you should have asked someone to pour you a glass of milk— no, don't wipe it up, it's going on the floor, now stop, don't do it, I'll do it, it's bad enough on the table— look, now you've got it on the floor— you're making more work for me."
Happily at this point I was struck by a rare beam of sanity and it said to me, "Oh, quit being such a bitch, Lisey has just poured her first glass of milk all by herself and you're ruining the whole thing for her."
And suddenly I looked and saw a very little girl trying very hard to grow up trying to wipe up herself the mess she had made getting herself a drink of milk. And I said, "Lisey, I think Sparkle (dog) would like this extra milk."
Lisey stopped and looked at me. I had finally said something of meaning. All the negative harassment up till then she had been trying to ignore.
I said, "If you get Sparkle's dish we can put the milk in it."
She got it and we did.
AND immediately she began an animated chatter about how Sparkle would like this milk and how she had poured them both a drink of milk, etc. Until then, she had barely said one word. In fact, if I had pushed her far enough— "OK, Lisey, get out of the kitchen while I clean up your mess"-she would have probably ended up crying (over spilt milk!).
“Teach Your Own” by John Holt