How to react towards...
IN THIS CHAPTER
‘’Kids need love the most when they least deserve it’’
What a child needs when he has hurt another child physically, emotionally or psychologically is our love. He needs to know that he is accepted regardless of what he does.
It’s important to understand that the root cause of bullying often stems from a lack of empathy, understanding, and emotional regulation. Bullying behavior can be a manifestation of unresolved emotional issues, insecurity, or a desire for power and control. In many cases, bullies may themselves be victims of neglect, abuse, or have experienced trauma - big or small - that has not been addressed.
By addressing the underlying emotional needs of children and teaching them positive ways to express themselves, we aim to prevent bullying behavior by cultivating a compassionate and respectful attitude towards others.
If it happens, we approach bullying with a focus on understanding, empathy, and positive communication, aiming to support both the ‘aggravated one’ and the person who bullied in resolving conflicts peacefully and fostering healthy relationships.
Learning through natural consequences
In many cases, simply tending to the hurt child and not giving the child who bullied a lecture, a bad look or trying to make him feel that it deosn’t matter what happened, it’s enough for the child to see the natural consequences (he hurt someone) of his actions and he’ll learn from his mistake.
If the adult or the hurt child feels the need to work things out further, we address the underlying emotion, not the crime:
Procedure
1. Listen without judgment: We create a safe space for both the’ victim’ and the person who bullied to express their feelings and perspectives without fear of judgment. We listen attentively to understand the motivations behind the bullying behavior and the impact it has had on the victim (consequences). We avoid calling anybody a bully or a victim and stay neutral towards what happened and the people involved. We don’t push or force answers from either child, if they don’t want to talk.
2. Validate emotions: We validate the emotions of both the ‘victim’ and the ‘bully’, acknowledging their feelings and experiences without condoning the bullying behavior. This validation helps build trust and fosters open communication.
3. Teach empathy: We help the person who bullied develop empathy by encouraging them to consider the feelings and perspectives of the other child. We might engage in role-playing or storytelling exercises to help the bully understand the consequences of their actions and how they would feel if they were in the victim's shoes.
4. Set clear boundaries: While maintaining empathy and understanding, we also set clear boundaries stating that this behavior is not accepted at APTB (‘‘That’s not how we treat others/friends’’). The bullying behavior might have consequences that all kids decide together in a democratic meeting if the child who has been hurt raises the issue.
5. Foster positive relationships: We work with the child who bullied and maybe also his/her parent(s) to address any underlying issues that may be contributing to the bullying behavior, such as low self-esteem, peer pressure, or unresolved trauma.
Photo by Adalia Botha on Unsplash
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If I should be painting a door and Robert came along and threw mud on my fresh paint, I would swear at him, because he has been one of us for a long time and what I say to him does not matter. But suppose Robert had just come from a hateful school and his mud-slinging was his attempt to fight authority, I would be tempted to overlook his mud-slinging because his salvation is more important then the door. I know I must stay on his site while he is living out his hate in order for him to become social again. It isn’t easy. I have stood by and seen a boy treat my precious lathe badly. I knew that if I protesed, he would at once identify me with his stern father, who always threatened to beat him if he touched his tools.
A.S. Neill - Summerhill School