In this Lesson

In the second part of how to prevent child sexual abuse we learn how o build your prevention team.

SYLVIA

3. Building your prevention team

Talk to as many people as possible in your environment about your child’s body safety rules

  • family and extended family

  • teachers

  • nannies

  • coaches

  • friends (especially playdates and sleepovers)

perpetrators will be put off by your rules and won’t try it on with your child, they won’t take the risk and go for an ‘easy victim’ instead (‘I would run the other way!’)

The places listed in the first line are the most common locations where abuse happens.

  • make the conversation impersonal (‘I talk about this with every caregiver’)

  • start by asking about other safety concerns like allergies or helmets

  • mention that you did a workshop where you learned a lot new things and since then you’re implementing rules that you’d like to share with everyone around your child

  • ask specific questions:


TO OTHER PARENTS:

  • keeping doors open?

  • who else is in the house?

  • older siblings watching the kids?

  • clothes on?

  • intervening in children’s sexual behavior?

  • screen time?

  • explain your body safety rules

TO SCHOOLS/SPORTS CLUBS ETC:

  • one on one time

  • photos

  • toilets, nappies, nudity

  • lap sitting and tickling

  • etc

4. Stepping in when you see concerning behavior

Grooming vs grooming-like behavior

Many people touch my daughter Bo (3 years old) on the street or on the bus. They find her cute and either stroke her hair, touch her head or cheek or shoulder or want to help her up or down the seat/bus by taking her hand or arm or even by lifting her. 

While I know that this is probably 99% of the time just sympathy and helpfulness, it can still lead Bo to believe that it’s ok for strangers to do all these things to her and if one day a person with bad intentions comes along and does it, she might not feel that she can say No. 

Therefore it’s important that we address any touch and explain why it’s against our body safety rules.

Adults or children usually don’t walk around touching other adult’s bodies and faces or lift them up so people will understand when you tell them not to touch your child.

It teaches your child to stand up for herself and it shows predators that she's educated about body safety and not easy prey.

Confronting without accusing 

Confronting children/teens

More than ⅓ of child sexual abuse is committed by an older child. When we see this happening it can mean that the older child has been or is being abused themselves or is watching sexual or pornographic material that is not age appropriate and/or hasn’t been talked about with his parents.

In this case talk about their harmful behavior in contrast to ‘abusive’ behavior because they can be helped. Explain body safety rules and ask open questions like ‘Where did you learn this?’ or talk to an expert. If you talk to the parent, they might not react the right way (punish the boy, get angry with you for accusing him, not do anything about it etc) OR one of them might even be the one abusing the child. Therefore, talking to an expert might be the best thing to do.

Confronting adults

It can be scary to think about telling someone to stop touching your child because we’re afraid of offending someone, creating a hostile environment, destroying a friendship etc but we must remember two things:

  1. Abusers count on us feeling uncomfortable, confused and being in denial, that’s why they do it right in front of our eyes (because we tell us ‘This is strange but he wouldn’t possibly be doing this in front of me if he was a predator’)

  2. Our child's safety is more important than offending someone.

When you find an adult with a suspicious behavior say something immediately:

‘We practice body safety in our family and stroking my daughters back like that is something that a predator would do to groom a child. While I’m not saying that this is what you’re doing I’d like to ask you to not do it again because I don’t want my daughter to think that this is normal. One day a person with the wrong intentions could do it and then she would think it’s ok.’ 

‘Saying You’re such an amazing young woman to my 6 year old daughter could be mistaken for grooming and even though I’m not accusing you of being a pedophile I don’t want this behavior around my daughter, please.’

If you see an innocent touch happening but you (who knows your child best) notice your child being uncomfortable, step in and say ‘He doesn't seem to like this so please stop. We teach our children that they’re the boss of their bodies and they decide who touches them or not’ (and a little wink)

Other phrases to say:

The boundaries about acting around my families are these: no touching, tickling, whispering, telling secrets etc (describe what behavior your saw)

I’m really uncomfortable with the way you touch my child

We’re teaching our daughter about body safety and I’d like you to not touch my child right now/like that